~ I got a job at the Umeå Airport, as a "with need" substitute in cleaning and security
~ Daniel and I spent 3 weeks in Utah over the holidays
~ When we got back to Sweden we discovered that our silly yellow car was broken
~ It is now full-blown winter (hooray!)
~ I (finally) got a new guitar!!! (my old guitar's neck was broken on the flight over here)
I just finished 2 days of work at the airport, so that's primarily what my thoughts have been occupied with these last few days. I have mixed feelings about it, for a few reasons. The training process was fairly extended, though not intense, and once it was done Daniel and I headed to the States for 3 weeks. This meant that I only got one day of "work" before being gone for nearly a month...which didn't really instill me with much confidence. The work is easy enough, but it will take a while to get into the routine of things. And it's in Swedish, which is intense! I was super proud of myself for getting through the whole application process - letter, CV, and even interview - in Swedish (although during the interview I did resort to English a couple of times). But this means that when I go to work, I step into a "Swedish zone".
As I was freaking out nervous on my drive in yesterday, I forced myself to be honest about what I was really afraid/uncomfortable about. It wasn't about doubting my capabilities to do the job - I can clean toilets and mop floors as well as the next person - but it was about knowing that I was willingly placing myself in a situation where I would feel like an idiot for the next 7 hours. While I understand enough Swedish to follow a conversation and to answer the common questions that may be asked of me, I wouldn't say that I have a "working" level of Swedish yet. I can't make small talk, and my participation in conversations is limited to "mmm"s and "ahhh"s - smiles and nods. Lame. If someone starts talking to me but I don't already have an idea of what they're going to be talking about, there's usually a lag time of a few seconds between hearing and actually understanding what they've said. During that time I'm sure I give them a beautiful, blank stare as my brain jumps into overdrive to make sense of what initially sounded like gibberish.
Now, much of this could be avoided. Most Swedes have excellent English skills. This is a blessing in many situations - but it is also a handicap to my learning Swedish. Because I know that I can be understood quickly and easily if I speak English, I am not forced to struggle through with finding the words and putting a sentence together in Swedish. And then I don't learn. And then it's even more difficult the next time I'm in that situation, because I have't been practicing using Swedish. Ugh.
When I applied for/got this job at the airport, I promised myself that I would not fall back on English except for when it was absolutely necessary that I understand something or get important information across. For the most part, I've been pretty good at that. But my goodness, it's hard.
And really, if I'm honest, the hardest part about it for me is that it takes time, and lots of practice, and lots of mistakes. I don't do those things well! This process has revealed my pride in being "smart" - "quick" - "talented" - all of which are meaningless qualities, really, when taken out of the grade-based school system that rewards them. I'd rather be a good learner than someone who can recite the facts but doesn't understand their importance. This may be one of the first times in my life when it's really obvious that the process of learning something well takes a long time and will be riddled with mistakes and times when I feel like a failure. This is a hard thing for me to be ok with. I want to just open my mouth and have perfect Swedish come out. Which is ridiculous, I know. But it would be nice.
So, I am getting a good dose of humble pie these days. It is not fun. I cry a fair amount. But I'm telling myself that a) it will get better, and b) this is making me a better person.
That's all I have to say about that for now. Here are a few pictures of beautiful Olofsfors in the snow.
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